We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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