He uses pillows to masturbate.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
