Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
