Already got asked if we're dating
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
