see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
