YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I want to be your penis for a week.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
