I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
