Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
