I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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