Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
