I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
