I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't think brook has ever known best
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That accounts for only three of the penises
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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