Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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