My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
