Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
