I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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