Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
4 words: hood of his car
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
