I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
