you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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