My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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