i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
