he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
