areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
