is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
