Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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