Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
