HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my poor anus
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
