Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
