You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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