i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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