benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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