thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize