Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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