kristin has been a bad kristin
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
