My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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