I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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