I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize