the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
