threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
