I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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