Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
