i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
