Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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