But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
