Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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