Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
