I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
