Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
