You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
