just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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