she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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