Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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