I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
