My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
