i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
